Is She Right For You?

I happened to notice that I get quite a bit of traffic for the Google search “Is she right for you?”

I thought, man, how far down are people going in that search to end up at my blog?

Not far. It turns out that I am in the top ten results for that phrase.

First page, baby!

I figured that I should throw a bone to the relationship advice seekers, so here’s what I have to say. What the heck? It’s Friday!

If you want to know if she is right for you, you have to be willing to ask yourself (and her) some tough questions to find out if you are heading in the same direction. Here are some suggestions.

Where do you want to live? When Mr. Right and I were engaged, I told him that I do not want to leave New England under any circumstances. I have since softened my stance on this (though we are still here), but one thing will never change, I am a country gal, not a city slicker. I can barely tolerate Burlington. You will not find me living in the Big Apple anytime soon. Or ever.

These things matter. They can lead to unhappiness and resentment if not hashed out ahead of time.

How many kids do you want to have? A dear friend of mine is going out with a guy who wants to have his own basketball team. She might have one child, if any. I don’t see this relationship lasting through the ages.

This is the kind of thing that people rarely change their mind about. If you do not agree on whether or not to have children, you might want to move on.

What are your religious and political views? Can an atheist and a born-again Christian make it work? What about a liberal and a right-winger? Sure, it happens, but these views do not come out of nowhere. They usually stem from deeply held beliefs about life that will affect your marriage.

Important sub-topics need to be discussed, such as, how do you feel about stay-at-home parenting versus two-working parents? How do you feel about materialism and consumer debt? Charitable giving? Abortion? Feminism?

You might think your girlfriend looks cute when she’s gets all worked up about the oppressiveness of patriarchy, but if you have a son and your wife wants to indoctrinate him with man-hating feminist dogma, will you still think it’s cute?

The same goes for chauvinism. It’s not so cute when a woman’s sons think “girl” is the ultimate insult. It’s even less cute if dad agrees with them.

Talk about your life values and find out if she shares them.

How do you feel about marriage? Is it a lifetime commitment or a try it and we’ll see how it goes kind of thing?

You really don’t want to wait until you tie the knot to find out that she doesn’t take the commitment seriously. (Or vice versa.)

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture.

Actually, if you want more questions, I found this list online that is exhaustive beyond reason.

The point really is to have serious conversations, ask the deep questions, and be willing to accept it if you are not compatible. Remember, you are probably not going to be able to change her into what you want. Make sure she is what you want before you commit.